I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said “smooching” while the actors were kissing.

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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

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The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses.

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Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

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Forgetting your phone at home is the modern equivalent of leaving your sword behind in medieval times.

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I call my period Shark week. I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere.

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I think during winter we should also get to work less hours in a day, just like the sun.

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My employer is totally caring. They pay so poorly that I can’t afford to have an alcohol or drug problem.

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Black Friday used to have heart. I wanna see someone get clocked for a Wii.

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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.

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My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.