Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

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I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

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I don’t understand why “family-run” should be a sign of quality. North Korea, for example, is also family-run and doesn’t convince me at all.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

You don’t get to tell me what to do, you’re not my cat.

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Why the hell is it called the restroom? I am fighting for my life in here.

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Last night my guardian angel came to me, covered me up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and whispered in my ear: “You’re a pain in the ass!”

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

Yes, liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

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Just once I’d like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.

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I have the sex drive of a potato.

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I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

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Trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you.