Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk.

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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous. IKEA Manager: Sir.

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What must a pancake think when it’s being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

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Autumn is when men run around like it’s summer and women like it’s winter.

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Imagine hating me and I’m just over here hating myself.

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Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed.

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“Too much garlic”? What’s next? Too much love? Too much desire?

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Limiting my replies to introverts, wizards, freaks and vampires only.

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Bro, you’re not allowed anymore to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife.

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My dog understands several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.

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Scrolling the feed as a mature person, not judging anybody.