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Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.

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If you think I’m rude, you should hear the voices in my head.

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If a demon ever possessed me, I’d just sit back and say, “Your problem now.”

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If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

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Sorry I can’t have a pleasant, safe and affordable life, my government said no.

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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

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Shoulda named my daughter Calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

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Ah, summer. When my non-consensual relationship with mosquitoes begins.

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Everyone’s a badass until the doorbell rings.