Adulthood is just saying “it is what it is,” and then crying in your car to a song from 2012.

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Harry Potter is sort of crazy. I would have never fought a war for my high school.

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Twitter is the most fun you can have on the toilet.

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69. Some might call it nasty. I call it a romantic dinner for 2.

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I came, I saw, I took a selfie as proof that I came and saw.

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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

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Be useless, so nobody can use you.

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Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

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My last straw is way longer than I thought.

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If Wonka had a spaghetti factory, I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast.

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I’m at a point in life where I’m just at a point.