All of humanities problems could be solved with a large meteor.

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Thought I was a minimalist, turns out I’m just broke.

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I just refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good to watch.

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Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

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If you steal enough FitBits, they’ll just give you one for your ankle.

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Stop checking up on your friends, and check up on me.

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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

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Eating trail mix should count as hiking.

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“You smell so good!” Okay, so kiss me.