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Might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry.

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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar.

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I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.

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People in NYC are like, let me know if youโ€™re ever in NYC.

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Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesnโ€™t have anything nice to say then he shouldnโ€™t say anything at all.

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I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasnโ€™t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

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โ€œHow is the job search going?โ€ First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

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Apparently, the job interviewer doesnโ€™t like it when your biggest weakness is beautiful Latinas.

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โ€œSome men go months without being hugged.โ€ Okay, then they should just hug each other.

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American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?

Commentary:
"Because who needs a foyer when you can trip over shoes and pets as soon as you enter? ๐Ÿšช๐Ÿถ๐Ÿ‘Ÿ #WelcomeChaos"



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