As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

47 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My favorite thing to do is nothing.

43 shares on YouTube this month:

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

38 shares on Messenger this month:

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

92 shares on Snapchat this month:

People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer a day. Two on Fridays.

58 shares on Threads this month:

It’s crazy how genuinely entertaining it is to stare into an open fire. That’s some real epigenetic memory shit.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them.

11 shares on TikTok this month:

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

62 shares on Telegram this month:

It was a tough year, but at least I did not buy a Labubu.

93 shares on Facebook this month:

My default setting is sexual energy.

43 shares on Pinterest this month:

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore, he just checks social media.