As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

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That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.

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Odd people reviewing a dessert: It’s not too sweet which is what I like.

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The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

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Penguins are just ducks going to a wedding.

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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

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You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to.

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I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt. This isn’t what I wanted.

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Hey girl, do you like my signals? I mixed them myself.

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Oh really? We’ll see what the same six people who always agree with me think about that.