Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons and a big check.

60 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s the perfect time of year to focus on my indoor hobbies, like lying down in a dark room and feeling insane.

62 shares on Messenger this month:

If you drink enough, any bar can be a karaoke bar.

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m tired of adding ‘LOL’ to the end of my texts for sensitive people.

31 shares on TikTok this month:

Keep scrolling, I’ve got nothing.

67 shares on WeChat this month:

I’m sorry I lied to you. I only did it for material gain. And to cause you psychological harm. And to prove I’m smarter than you.

99 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s so important to warm up before any physical activity, like getting out of bed.

64 shares on Telegram this month:

I have a condition that prevents me from dieting. It’s called being hungry.

67 shares on Discord this month:

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

62 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

42 shares on TikTok this month:

Damaged inside, but outside we keep it gangsta.