Establish dominance by eating a salad in front of your indoor plants.

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Clearly I’m not doing Dry January unless you mean sense of humor.

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Cats hear everything. They just don’t care.

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She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my sandwich maker.

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My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

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The fact it costs $15 to get a basic meal at a fast-food restaurant now is comical.

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Twitter is like a psych ward with no staff.

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Being insane should at least burn calories.

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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

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Not now, honey. I’m talking to strangers on the internet.

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The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.