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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇬 has downloaded:

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has shared:

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

I hate when I turn my car on in the morning and the music starts blasting, and I am like, “Whoooah, big fella, I’m not the same person I was last night.”

Someone from 🇸🇬 has copied:

Having a sunburn is so humiliating. Now everyone knows I was unprepared for the realities of the wilderness. It marks me as the weakest link. The hungry animals are closing in.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

“Stop talking about old drama!” God forbid a girl and her bestie enjoy their history lessons.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has downloaded:

Pursuing an academic career is like thinking the stripper loves you.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has copied:

Stop blaming everyone for all your problems. Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has downloaded:

Next time I die, I’m going to make sure I’m reincarnated someplace other than Earth.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

I literally just went through something, and now I’m going through something else. What’s next?

Someone from 🇨🇭 has bookmarked:

Can’t wait for my husband to see what he bought everyone for Christmas.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,292

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

You will see blonder children than you would ever think possible at expensive ice cream parlours.

Shared recently on Twitch:

You can really tell somebody’s mental state by they hair.

Just landed via YouTube:

Billionaires didn’t get rich by working harder. They got rich by making sure you work harder, get paid less, and spend more.

Just landed via X:

I’m chronically online in a different and more sophisticated way than you are.

Just shared via Telegram:

Are you spaghetti because I want you to meat my balls?

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

To quote Hamlet Act III, Scene III, Line 92 “No.”

Making waves on Twitch:

“I’m just a girl!” No, you are a monster.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Live now on Telegram:

Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

Forgot how fun it is to post IG stories. I feel like a female filmmaker.

Everyday I wait for a vampire to seduce me.

6 days ago

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Still waiting with my garlic-flavored breath mints! 🧛‍♂️🧄🤣

everyday, fantasy, humor, i, joke, me, romance, seduction, supernatural, vampire, wait, waiting

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74 shares on LinkedIn this month:

My dad wasn’t absent or present; he was a secret third thing.

41 shares on Snapchat this month:

Every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one.

41 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Being an adult is spending every day looking at a pill bottle, wondering, “Did I take this already?”

61 shares on Twitch this month:

I love when people start getting filler, and instead of looking younger, it’s just like okay, your face is getting really, really big in all directions.

32 shares on X this month:

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

74 shares on Messenger this month:

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.

65 shares on YouTube this month:

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh no, it’s a cop”?

34 shares on Pinterest this month:

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

15 shares on Telegram this month:

If you wake up early enough, you can go back to sleep for a few hours. Not everyone knows this.

73 shares on Facebook this month:

Today, I want to talk about how people’s houses smell funny, but mine doesn’t.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

There’s a guy who thinks he’s going to Yale, but it’s jail.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has viewed:

If a girl sends you selfies and you don’t compliment her, she should be allowed to electrocute you.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has downloaded:

I’m like Pooh Bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

Trust me; this is the second millennium I’ve lived in.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has downloaded:

You come from dust and you will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

A pretty girl like me should be in the sky, sitting on a star.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has downloaded:

I did not spend years turning the faucet off while I brushed my teeth, so corporations could ruin the environment with festering AI slop.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

Do we lazy people actually go to heaven? Or are we being picked up?

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Pinterest:

It really is Monday every 15 minutes.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

If they can bring back the dire wolf, they can bring back Norm Macdonald.

Making waves on Telegram:

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.

Going bananas on Threads:

I grew up in a kinder, gentler age. We pitied our fools.

Just landed via Threads:

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These donuts are for my safety.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease, and it says unexplained weight loss.

Trending via Telegram:

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Shared recently on Slack:

It ain’t easy being America’s sweetheart during these dark times, but someone gotta do it!

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Activity Log ✨

Everyday I wait for a vampire to seduce me.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, touchscreens, or money before.

Nicknamed my iPhone Lois Lane because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses on either.

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Activity Log ✨

Everyday I wait for a vampire to seduce me.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, touchscreens, or money before.

Nicknamed my iPhone Lois Lane because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses on either.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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