Fellas, if your lady is mad, ask her if it’s because she’s put on some weight. That’ll calm her down.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

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Hundreds, nay, thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old.

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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

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Waiting patiently for the alien invasion.

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My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

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I love asking 5 different people for advice then doing what I want.

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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

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A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.

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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

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I’m sorry I lied to you. I only did it for material gain. And to cause you psychological harm. And to prove I’m smarter than you.