Forget all this adulting stuff, let’s bring back Saturday morning cartoons.

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That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.

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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become your problem.

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It whistles, doesn’t it? Your head when it’s windy.

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I’m in a comfy dress today, but I look like a potato in floral. Call me Nelly Flortato.

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After I drink coffee, I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

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I hate the saying: “Get up, the sun is shining!” What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?

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The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza.

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When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering.

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Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

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Starting is the hardest part. Unless it’s eating chocolate. Then stopping is the hardest part.