Funny Big Matt quotes

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How did we decide to go with cockpit?

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The older I get, the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin.

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Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

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You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

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I have a lot to offer! Most of it’s bad, but it’s still a lot.

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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this family party started.

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Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

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I don’t like to call it a xenomorph — I prefer the term “the alien from Alien.”

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I have no need to judge people because of their religion, skin color or sexual orientation. Bad behavior is enough for me.

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There’s nothing more satisfying than the little nap you have after hitting snooze on your alarm.