1624 funny joke quotes - Page 9 - Wordgag

I’m bad at being sad. Three mins later, I’m making jokes about my situation.

May 28, 2026

I called the cops on my own party, because I was ready to go to bed.

May 28, 2026

People don’t catch bullets with their teeth anymore, get out there and practice.

May 28, 2026

Aliens probably lock their doors when they fly past Earth.

May 28, 2026

Putting your wedding scrapbook in the little free library is an unprecedented level of divorced.

May 28, 2026

Aliens probably have group chats called Don’t Stop on Earth.

May 27, 2026

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

May 27, 2026

Don’t be alarmed at my semicolon usage; I’m a professional.

May 27, 2026

Wonder what I should wear to World War III.

May 27, 2026

Here’s your daily reminder to not forget about Dre.

May 27, 2026

“I asked Grok. I asked ChatGPT.” Yeah, well, I asked my mom. She said no.

May 27, 2026

Sharpening pencils at the bin was the biggest link-up.

May 27, 2026

Are we all getting a front-row seat to the end times, or what?

May 27, 2026

Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

May 27, 2026

Age regressing by coughing like a toddler, with my tongue out.

May 27, 2026

The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

May 27, 2026

Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

May 27, 2026

Which wine pairs best with WWIII?

May 27, 2026

I would like to opt out of WW3, por favor.

May 27, 2026

I haven’t posted a selfie in a while, but I’m still very cute. Just to keep you updated.

May 27, 2026

I might look like I have my life together, but that’s only because the mess is out of the camera frame.

May 27, 2026

I named my wifi “The Promised LAN” because it always connects, but occasionally leaves you wandering in the desert looking for a better signal.

May 27, 2026

Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

May 27, 2026

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

May 27, 2026

Got my dog microchipped, so if he runs away, I can just press a button, and he’ll explode.

May 27, 2026

“You don’t look 40.” How am I supposed to look?

May 27, 2026

Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word “irony.”

May 27, 2026

I remember when “disinformation” used to be called “lies.”

May 27, 2026

Asked a German girl for her number, and I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits. So far, all I have is “nine.”

May 27, 2026

First World War. Kind of nervous.

May 27, 2026

Every day, a new coworker asks if you’ve used ChatGPT, and the conversation doesn’t end if you say “No.”

May 27, 2026

“I asked Grok.” “I asked ChatGPT.” Well, I asked R2D2, and he said you’re a loser.

May 27, 2026

“I asked ChatGPT.” “I asked Grok.” I asked God to strike me dead with lightning.

May 27, 2026

You can just enjoy kombucha. You don’t need to go on a tirade about cleansing your gut.

May 27, 2026

Hobosexual. A person who dates you with the sole interest of having a place to stay.

May 27, 2026

If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

May 27, 2026

It turns out, as you get older, you don’t actually figure anything out; you just don’t have any energy to care anymore.

May 27, 2026

Mixing 1% milk and 2% milk to create the forbidden 1.72% milk.

May 27, 2026

Girls be like, “I know a spot,” then sacrifice you under the full moon.

May 27, 2026

Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

May 27, 2026