1624 funny joke quotes - Page 8 - Wordgag

Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

May 28, 2026

How do I tell the mosquitoes that I don’t consent?

May 28, 2026

“You’re a cardiologist? Is that like a fancy name for an auto mechanic?”

May 28, 2026

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

May 28, 2026

I once had a psychic girlfriend, she left me before we met.

May 28, 2026

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

May 28, 2026

The share button on Reddit should be called Spreddit.

May 28, 2026

Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

May 28, 2026

I’ve heard so much about the “Eye of the Tiger,” but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

May 28, 2026

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

May 28, 2026

I identify as Michael Jackson, so my pronouns are “he/hee.”

May 28, 2026

With great power comes a huge electric bill.

May 28, 2026

I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

May 28, 2026

Like most people my age, I’m 50.

May 28, 2026

“There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.

May 28, 2026

The thief who stole my iPhone could face time.

May 28, 2026

I don’t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security.

May 28, 2026

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

May 28, 2026

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.

May 28, 2026

I’m an expert at having a really funny story to tell and then wording it so badly that it’s not even funny anymore.

May 28, 2026

Windmill? Big fan.

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In the event of a water landing, place the life jacket over your head and swipe your credit card to inflate.

May 28, 2026

Foreplay is great, I particularly like the part where I peel them, chop them into pieces, then roast them in the oven until they’re all crispy and delicious.

May 28, 2026

Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

May 28, 2026

God invented war so that Americans can learn geography.

May 28, 2026

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

May 28, 2026

Wait, some of you are actually seeing for free? No glasses, no contacts? Wow!

May 28, 2026

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

May 28, 2026

For those who don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversations, they’re making a male version that doesn’t listen to anything.

May 28, 2026

Whoever has my voodoo doll, if you could take some stuffing out of the midsection and give it a little forehead kiss, that would be great.

May 28, 2026

Remember that even the worst haircut will eventually grow on you.

May 28, 2026

Yesterday, thieves broke into my home. They searched everywhere and found nothing. They beat me up, telling me to work harder.

May 28, 2026

A burrito is just a sleeping bag for beans.

May 28, 2026

The Titanic is a great lesson of why “just the tip” can get you into a whole lot of trouble.

May 28, 2026

You can just comment, “You two look nice,” on a photo of three people. It’s free and legal.

May 28, 2026

Maybe your baby is crying because he knows you don’t have rizz.

May 28, 2026

Caveman bartender: “This one’s on the cave.”

May 28, 2026

I personally feel like I have what it takes to become a fossil.

May 28, 2026

4 sneezes in a row is clout chasing. Wrap it up!

May 28, 2026

It’s okay to feed your car a curb, as a little treat sometimes.

May 28, 2026