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2 months ago
Share →: The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

Commentary:
Haha, sounds like your wife has mastered the art of playing hide and seek with her own phone! 📱😂 Maybe it’s her way of keeping you on your toes—or just testing your detective skills. Either way, teamwork makes the dream work—especially when it involves finding missing phones! 🕵️‍♂️❤️

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Someone from 🇨🇫 has downloaded:

Blaming the full moon for whatever unhinged decision I make tonight.

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The state of my house can best be described as “there seems to have been a struggle”.

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I just locked eyes with a spider. But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

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Interesting people are my favorite endangered species.

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Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea.

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I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable.

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The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

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If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

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Some things are better left unsaid, which I usually realize after I say them.

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I’ll call it a smartphone when I yell “Where’s my phone?” and it yells back “Down here in the couch cushions!”

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Trending via Reddit:

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s way more embarrassing.

Making waves on YouTube:

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Just shared via Slack:

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters.

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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

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Venting to ChatGPT is crazy, y’all turning schizophrenic.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

“You smell so good!” Okay, so kiss me.

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I’m having an orange, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

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Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.

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People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out.

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Funny marital joke quotes

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Who needs a dominatrix when you can be beaten up by an automatically retracting vacuum cleaner cable?

I was really happy about it being Friday until I realized it was only Wednesday.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

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At least men and women can agree on one thing: it feels amazing to take a bra off.

If you think someone has put a spell on you, send me $500 and I’ll get rid of it.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Listen to the birds, not the news.

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Once I get my UFO, don’t be asking me for rides.

Your coworkers are your friends; stop working and hang out.

Microsoft Teams needs to add a “spank” reaction for when I want to reprimand my employees during a video call.

Old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Why are moths always out at night when they like light so much? Wait til y’all find out about the sun.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

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