Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

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Grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk.

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Every time I leave the house, I’m reminded why sweatpants exist.

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If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

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Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

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Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.

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At a certain age, all you really want is a good mattress.

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I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.

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I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers, he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

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When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor got slapped.

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“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made.