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I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

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People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp, but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

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I’ve been blocked, unfollowed, and unfriended, but I’ve never been told I’m bad in bed.

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Every frozen pizza is a canvas that needs an artist’s touch.

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My mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend.

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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

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Rain cancels plans, upsetting some and delighting others.

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Can’t. I’m busy taking this Buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

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Most meetings end with the conclusion that everything needs to be discussed in another meeting.