Have been dipping my toe into doing Pilates, and let me tell you, women are real sickos.

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Why do they call it a garage sale instead of a garbage sale?

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If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

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Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

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Everyone knows that Christmas is the celebration of the immaculate conception of Mariah Carey.

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The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not.

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Why do we call it tuna fish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?

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I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

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Santa: “Don’t leave me milk. Leave me whiskey.”

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Kanye is pretty mean for someone with ‘yay’ in their name.