I don’t wanna brag, but my posts are unpopular on all continents.

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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

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Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working.

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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.

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Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

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I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

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Life is so exciting. I was in my bedroom and now I’m in the living room. Who knows where I’ll go next.

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My sister: snowboards. My brother: skateboards. Me: charcuterie boards.

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Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

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Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock. We all know that communication is the key.