I go to tattoo parlors and trick them into shaving my leg for me, and then leave.

70 shares on Instagram this month:

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

38 shares on Snapchat this month:

I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.

51 shares on Snapchat this month:

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

45 shares on Telegram this month:

Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

40 shares on Pinterest this month:

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

91 shares on Facebook this month:

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

38 shares on Twitch this month:

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

63 shares on Snapchat this month:

I deserve a love so pure that my nervous system can finally rest.

14 shares on TikTok this month:

I have a lot to offer! Most of it’s bad, but it’s still a lot.

19 shares on Messenger this month:

Look at you with tape over your camera, while Amazon, Facebook, and Google have your whole life on file.