I hate to brag but I excel at my faults.

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A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have.

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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

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What’s wrong with the people who come to visit on Sundays? Don’t they have a couch?

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A lot of y’all don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach.

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I love routine. Until I’m bored, then I love excitement. Until I’m overwhelmed, then I love routine.

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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

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Anyone know if we got the meek inheriting the Earth today?

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Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”. I cancelled my therapy for nothing.

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That “meeting canceled” ping is a gift from the Gods.

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The paintings I always like the most in museums are the ones that have a bench.