I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

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I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are. We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

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‘I love reading!’ says the woman who loves owning books.

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I am an influencer. If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you. Do better.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

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I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

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When I’m president, I will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm.

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Stop wasting your money on beauty products. The secret to looking young is to wear a baseball cap with a propeller on it.

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Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever.

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I can’t finish cleaning up my room because I get distracted by all of the cool stuff I find.