I hope all of you get laid and not laid off this year. Amen.

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In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

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I’m letting go of all earthly attachment — exactly like Buddha, except for the things I like and want.

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How bad can a decision really be if nobody from the future shows up to stop you?

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You feel me? Bro, I haven’t felt anything since the Scholastic Book Fair.

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Rudolph, with your nose so bright, help me find my phone tonight.

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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

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I’m like if a birthday card with no money inside was a person.

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If I turned into a “teen wolf”, my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships.

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Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever.

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Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.