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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇧 has shared:

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has copied:

I love how you get on Twitter, and all your thoughts are already in someone else’s tweet.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has copied:

I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has copied:

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has copied:

What I want for dinner hasn’t been invented yet.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has shared:

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying. Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has bookmarked:

My best three minutes of sleep are the ones right before the alarm goes off.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has bookmarked:

Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Telegram:

You only live once and thank God for that.

Live now on WeChat:

Getting your hair washed by someone else is one of life’s greatest joys no one really speaks about often.

Trending via WhatsApp:

I dreamed I won the lottery, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

Live now on Reddit:

If I was a microplastic, I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

That’s just brainslop. You only came up with that by thinking.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate at least one time.

Spotted on Telegram:

Airport beer at 6 a.m.? No problem. The airport is a lawless place that is free from judgment.

Going viral on Twitch:

Centaurs can’t wipe their asses.

Trending via WeChat:

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”

2 months ago

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When Netflix autoplay is my DJ and my phone screen is the dance floor 🎶📱💃 #MultitaskingMaster

background, background noise, entertainment, i, multitasking, need, Netflix, noise, phone, scroll, show, while

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79 shares on Threads this month:

I hate it when I go to the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.

94 shares on Snapchat this month:

Taylor Swift should write a song about when your sleeves keep rolling down every time you wash the dishes.

28 shares on Slack this month:

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

35 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’m starting to think the voice in my head doesn’t like me very much.

55 shares on Pinterest this month:

They say 30 is the new 20, and 40 the new 30. All I know is 9 p.m. is the new midnight.

83 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Marriage! Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

69 shares on Telegram this month:

I was thinking of becoming self employed, but due to cutbacks, I can’t afford to hire me right now.

26 shares on LinkedIn this month:

What are some beginner pieces of information for somebody just getting into knowledge?

51 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”.

19 shares on Slack this month:

Y’all shivering in this cold cause them Shein jackets made outta paper towels.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

They can steal your recipe, but the sauce won’t taste the same.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has downloaded:

I’m exactly where I want to be. At home, avoiding people.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has downloaded:

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

Someone from 🇱🇸 has viewed:

I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has viewed:

I’ve never been kissed under the cameltoe or whatever it’s called.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has shared:

I have absolutely no desire to stay in the loop.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

I didn’t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has bookmarked:

Kinda worried about something. Don’t know what it is yet.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on WhatsApp:

I’m not well rested. Sleeping Beauty was well rested.

Going viral on TikTok:

I want to clarify that what I publish on social media does not define me as a person; I am worse.

Making waves on WeChat:

Shoutout to everyone who remembers their childhood landline number but can’t recall the password they made yesterday. You’re my people.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Just landed via Snapchat:

My husband loves it when he orders fries, I say I don’t want any, and then I swoop in on his like a seagull at the beach.

Trending via WeChat:

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Half of my problems are because I said “sure” instead of “no.”

Spotted on Threads:

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Seen just now on TikTok:

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

Seen just now on Instagram:

Websites need to realize that no one ever, ever wants the site to be able to send them notifications.

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Activity Log ✨

I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”

Dear 8 hours of sleep, I miss you so much.

Partying hard on this Friday night, and by partying hard, I mean laying on my bed starfish-style.

Growing up, I always knew I was gonna be the distant family member.

After a month away and enough pasta to scare an Italian grandma, I can confirm: too much Parmesan? Never heard of her.

Taylor Swift’s prenup is about to be longer than any book Travis Kelce has ever read.

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Activity Log ✨

I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”

Keep the laugh going 😂

Dear 8 hours of sleep, I miss you so much.

Partying hard on this Friday night, and by partying hard, I mean laying on my bed starfish-style.

Growing up, I always knew I was gonna be the distant family member.

After a month away and enough pasta to scare an Italian grandma, I can confirm: too much Parmesan? Never heard of her.

Imagine having a negative opinion of me, and I have no idea who you are.

Taylor Swift’s prenup is about to be longer than any book Travis Kelce has ever read.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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