I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway.

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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

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When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person, the whole family has to get involved.

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My retirement plan is time travel to the 80s.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has shared:

I really think my coworkers and I deserve an Oscar for acting like everything at work is fine.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has shared:

It’s been too long since I partook in shenanigans.

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Before you call me an idiot consider this: I know!

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Hate it when my mouth says something my brain was trying to keep quiet.

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Pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding”, so in a way we are all pesto.

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I hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. You have one job. Be a pillow man. You are pillow. Act like one!

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“That’s an interesting take,” I say, not listening.