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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇾 has bookmarked:

Unfortunately, I wasn’t built for casual dating, I’m only built for intense soul crushing love at first sight.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has downloaded:

Social anxiety so bad I wonder if I’m welcome at places I was invited to.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has downloaded:

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

I wonder if people who spend all their time screaming on the internet know there are way more fun things to do.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

Why are “hemorrhoids” not called “assteroids”?

Someone from 🇸🇲 has shared:

So much anger in this small little body. I feel like a chihuahua.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has downloaded:

God forbid a girl uses shopping as her coping mechanism.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

Ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalized bowling ball.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has copied:

Don’t give up, we must remain silly.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,685

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Discord:

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday. But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Breaking via Discord:

Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Just shared via Threads:

I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

No matter how small you make that “unsubscribe” link, I’ll still find it.

Going bananas on Facebook:

It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands.

Spotted on YouTube:

If Britain is going to be invaded, can it at least be by the Romans? We desperately need the roads resurfacing.

Seen just now on Twitch:

I’ll be home for Christmas, because that’s where I live.

If I go quiet, it’s because I am plotting my escape or your demise.

1 month ago

Humorous quote about plotting escape or revenge, playful and witty in tone.

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Commentary:
Planning my escape route or starring in a thriller movie—either way, stay tuned! 🤔🕵️‍♂️🚪

am, demise, escape, humor, i, plotting, quiet, sarcasm, threat, witty

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

Random Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

92 shares on Snapchat this month:

Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

39 shares on Pinterest this month:

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

90 shares on Messenger this month:

Is it just me, or were we promised a totally different frog-to-prince ratio?

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

72 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate.

44 shares on TikTok this month:

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

84 shares on Discord this month:

For introverts, the worst kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store.

11 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I wanna be crazy rich. I’m already crazy, so I’m half way there.

19 shares on Twitch this month:

I never judge a book by its cover. People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

89 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus, it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

Told someone I’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has downloaded:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your clothes are still in the washing machine.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has copied:

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito; I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has copied:

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes, get a piano.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has shared:

Vote for me and I’ll remove all the calories from cheese.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has viewed:

Avocado is just green butter.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has shared:

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has copied:

I was waiting on the universe but the universe was actually waiting on me.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will, money will be debited.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Slack:

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Seen just now on Threads:

This meeting could have been a cave painting.

Going viral on Messenger:

Do you ever restart the dryer because you don’t feel like folding the clothes yet?

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Can’t wait for when we’re all in our 80’s and still tweeting.

Making waves on Slack:

There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago.

Making waves on Slack:

I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.

Going viral on Reddit:

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Making waves on Threads:

Saying “Who is it?” when the doctor knocks on the exam room door.

Just landed via Twitch:

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough, I need everyone to shut up.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If I go quiet, it’s because I am plotting my escape or your demise.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

A long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody is crazy.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older. Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If I go quiet, it’s because I am plotting my escape or your demise.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 10 maybe but not 3.

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

A long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody is crazy.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older. Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

The absolute hottest thing you can do in front of a woman is tame a horse, but unfortunately, modern life affords us little opportunities for that.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨