If you have to remind them to give a shit, remind yourself not to.

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My bank account is also in retrograde.

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When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

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Roses are red. Violets are blue. I hate the sounds you make when you chew.

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In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

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Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.

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Every time someone tries to fight with me online, a middle finger gets its wings.

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I want to be cuddled, but I also want to be left alone. Being crazy is hard.

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I will never understand people’s fascination with their ancestry, isn’t knowing your current family bad enough.

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I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed.

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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?