If you wait until the last minute to do something, it only takes a minute to do it.

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“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has copied:

“The engine light is on!” Yeah, that means it’s working.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has copied:

Whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy.

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I went to a mind reader. She almost went mad.

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Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

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Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.

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Guy in front of me at the movies was reading the popcorn Wikipedia page while he was eating popcorn.

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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15 minutes when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has viewed:

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.