I’m at an age where, when I’m tying my shoes, I think about what else I can do while I’m down here.

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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

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Caesar, looking shocked: “Is it bring your knife to work day or something?”

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I’m not athletic, but I’m good at jumping to conclusions.

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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

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I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow, this changes everything.”

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I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

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Tonight I will make history, by turning off incognito mode.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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You say “multitask” like it’s a good thing.

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The best part about getting added to a group chat is leaving two weeks later.