I’m far too underqualified for adult life, and I feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly.

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On Twitter, you will always find someone who is tweeting your thoughts but with better grammar.

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Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.

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People that ask Grok “Is this true” are the reason our society is getting dumber by the minute.

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I think it’s extremely important, especially in the morning, to be quiet.

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Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst advice to a coworker.

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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

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My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

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I hate checking my bank account after having a good time.

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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.