“I’m getting to an age where I realize I shouldn’t have laughed at my grandparents for having an ‘upstairs’ vacuum.”

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I have two reactions when I leave the house: Ew, the people. Ew, the weather.

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Can we start the weekend again? I wasn’t ready.

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As you get older, you suddenly realize that the Smurf who hates everything is the normal one.

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If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you.

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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

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I’m so single. When they ask me for an emergency contact, I put the neighbor’s dog.

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All I’m saying is that at first I am shy and then I become a podcast.

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I love when my grandma texts me — because I know it took her an hour.

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Dating now is basically choosing which red flag you’re willing to tolerate.

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The older I get, the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin.