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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇮 has viewed:

Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

I’m drinking coffee so I don’t say mean things to you. You’re welcome.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has bookmarked:

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Someone from 🇬🇭 has copied:

My tombstone will read “Hey there, I’m using WhatsApp!”.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has copied:

My last straw is way longer than I thought.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has shared:

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’ This used to be a real country.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has shared:

Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like, “No, I’m not helping.”

Someone from 🇧🇸 has copied:

Some people peak in high school. I peaked when I realized I never had to see them again.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

1789 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

11,951

Funny Quotes Topics

14,756

Funny Quotes Images

11,951

Updated

4 minutes ago

Users Online

3,429

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Threads:

Nobody at this train station knows that there’s a hole in my sock.

Freshly posted on Slack:

If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

Seen just now on Facebook:

I’m not being mean. I’m just too old to pretend to like you.

Freshly posted on Discord:

My love language is deader than Latin.

Just landed via Telegram:

This chapter of my life is called ‘at least the rent is paid’

Just landed via X:

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Just shared via Reddit:

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Just landed via Slack:

The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from the day we’re born and only stops when you’re taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.

Making waves on TikTok:

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

Just landed via Reddit:

I want to make fun of Kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.

I’m going crazy, y’all. Coming with me?

14 hours ago

Download image ↓

Commentary:
Who needs sanity when we can have a road trip in our brains? 🧠🛣️😜

casual, casual speech, coming, crazy, going, humor, invitation, me, speech

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

I’m not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has downloaded:

“You live and you learn!” Bro, I don’t want to do either of those things.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

Jingle all the way? In this economy?

Someone from 🇱🇹 has copied:

It really is Monday every 15 minutes.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has copied:

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has viewed:

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

Someone from 🇺🇸 has copied:

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has shared:

Clearing her mind with a brisk walk along the foggy shoreline.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Pinterest:

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.

Trending via Messenger:

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Going viral on Messenger:

Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

Spotted on Facebook:

They should combine the running of the bulls with Tour de France next year.

Making waves on Instagram:

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones.

Spotted on Instagram:

I need money, not feelings.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

I’ve never found a “Remember Me” checkbox that works. Nothing remembers me.

Spotted on Twitch:

Not to brag, but I don’t need alcohol to send texts I’ll regret.

Going viral on Instagram:

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head.

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I’m going crazy, y’all. Coming with me?

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job.

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant “Autumn,” not the collapse of civilization.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy, so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Lord, they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price.

If you feel depressed, go for a run. You will soon find out your physical health is far worse than your mental health.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: OMg.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience?

Whoever told you there’s no such thing as a stupid question lied.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I were having some now.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Not now, I’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus.

That fight could’ve been an email.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”. So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

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