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I’m not saying I’m old. I’m just saying that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to each other.

I’m not saying I’m old. I’m just saying that my dinner time and bedtime are getting dangerously close to each other.

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When dinner and bedtime start exchanging "Save the Date" cards šŸ¤£šŸ„±šŸ½ļøšŸ›Œ



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That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

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When someone loses something, I like to ask helpful questions like ‘Where did you last see it?’ and ‘Where did you put it?’ and ‘Where is it?’

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I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said ā€œhelloā€ like a goddam daredevil.

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There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

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Next time I die, I’m going to make sure I’m reincarnated someplace other than Earth.

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I need to get my shit together, but at this point, I’m waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in.

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Baby, we believe in God around here, I don’t care what’s trending these days.

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So far, every Miss Universe winner has been from Earth.

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You can tell a lot about someone based on which Spice Girl they were most attracted to.

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Sitting in an antique chair is weird, like this thing has seen so many butts.