Commentary:
🌳🦅 "I'm not your dream woman. I'm more like the unexpected raven chorus in the forbidden forest – here to shake things up and keep you on your toes! Who needs dreams when you've got startled birds, am I right? 😂"
New funny quotes ✨

What if babies had two umbilical cords and if you cut the wrong one, it exploded?
Commentary:
"Talk about explosive parenting! 💥👶 Just imagine the chaos in the delivery room… Cut the right cord, or boom goes the dynamite! 😂🤯 #BabyBoom"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.
- When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
- I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
- Women do not snore. The sound they make at night is just the rewinding of the vocal cords.
- I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.
Commentary:
Uh-oh! Looks like that ship has sailed straight into hot waters! 🔥🚢 Keep the ice packs handy, folks! ❄️😂 #CoolForThought
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
- Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
- I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
- Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
- Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

After careful consideration, I think I’d have way more fun if I was incredibly stupid.
Commentary:
"Decisions, decisions… 🤔 Who knew stupidity could be so tempting? 😂 Perhaps the key to eternal happiness lies in embracing the blissfully ignorant side! 🤪 #LifeGoals"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. Preferably siblings. But they can’t both be the same type of stupid. One needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying).
- The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.
- I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.
- I think one quality that makes me incredibly attractive is that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say.
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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Being single for Valentine’s Day is way better than being in the wrong relationship.
Commentary:
"Who needs a bouquet of wilted roses and awkward dinners when you can have all the chocolates to yourself and binge-watch your favorite TV show instead? 🍫💁♀️ #SingleAndWinning"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head.
- Superwoman: Single. Batman: Single. Wonder Woman: Single. I get it now, I’m single because I’m a superhero.
- Every Reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
- I’m a single issue voter. I’m single and it’s an issue.
- Started the year single. Ending the year single. Consistency is key.

My favorite type of gender reveal is the one where they just tell me and I don’t have to go to a party to find out.
Commentary:
"Who needs a confetti cannon when you can have the gender intel delivered straight to your inbox? 🎉 No need for pink or blue cupcakes, just spill the beans and let's get on with it! 🎊 #GenderRevealConvenience"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
- Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.
- Gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.
- I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.
- Sunday night: Super Bowl party! Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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Starting the second half of your sandwich is like “hell yeah, baby, let’s run it back!”
Commentary:
🥪🏃♂️ "Starting the second half of your sandwich is like a rematch with your taste buds! Hell yeah, baby, let's run it back and show that sandwich who's boss! 💪😂"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Half of Twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math.
- The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.
- Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, work when the baby works.
- My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.
- When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Commentary:
"Who has the time or money for egg shells when you're busy navigating the chaos of this economy? 🤷♂️🥚 Don't worry, just keep walking with confidence and leave the delicate egg shells behind! 💪😄"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.
- You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
- Work for a living? In this economy?
- You befriend a guy and a few days later he’s like “I wanna talk to you about something”. Please, God, let it be about the economy.
- Jingle all the way? In this economy?
Commentary:
"Oh, you still use a turntable? Bringing back the retro vibes, I see! 🎶🕺 Old school cool or just avoiding the skip button – the world may never know! 🔄💿 #VinylIsFinal"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
- If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because there are millions on record as having no brain.
- Back in the day, you used to have to listen to records backwards to discover conspiracy theories.
- Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
- I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Commentary:
"Who knew adulting came with such a hefty price tag of responsibilities and no take-backsies! 🙅♂️💸 No refunds on this adulthood adventure, folks! 😂 #GrowingPains #NotWhatISignedUpFor"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I’m slowly becoming an adult. Please make it stop.
- Tired of being the responsible adult. When can I become the irresponsible adult?
- When you’re a child, you want to be a teenager. When you’re a teenager, you want to be an adult. When you’re an adult, you want to be a cat.
- Done with work today. The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it.
- Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Even on the coldest of days, there’s such peace found in the warm embrace of a hot pizza.
Commentary:
"Who needs a cozy blanket when you have a steaming hot pizza to snuggle up with on icy days? 🍕🔥 Embracing that delicious warmth beats frostbite any day! #PizzaHugs"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.
- The key to happiness: 1/ order a pizza. 2/ eat that pizza. 3/ repeat!
- The more you embrace your crazy side, the more fun life becomes.
- I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.
- I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my burrito warm in case you wondered what I was up to.