Just pulled a Werther’s Original out of my pocket, like I’m 87 years old.

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Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent.

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Not a fan of frozen pizza. Too cold, in my opinion.

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You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

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Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire, I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

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At the strip club sighing until one of the dancers asks me what’s wrong.

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Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.