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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇾 has copied:

Tonight we shall read a passage from the old testicle.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has downloaded:

People who don’t have Twitter are trying to show you stuff you laughed at a month ago.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has downloaded:

Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has copied:

Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has bookmarked:

A month in Italy has halved my will to work and doubled my desire for money.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has downloaded:

Nothing has improved the quality of my life more than living beyond my means.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has shared:

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has bookmarked:

I see you liked my selfie, but what about my ideas?

Someone from 🇪🇨 has bookmarked:

“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

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Seen just now on YouTube:

That moment when you’re reading but realize you forgot to understand.

Seen just now on YouTube:

It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top 5 times you almost died.

Freshly posted on Discord:

Home is where you trust the toilet seat.

Live now on Twitch:

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine.

Spotted on Snapchat:

Everyone’s an empath until I need to borrow some cash.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.

Going bananas on WeChat:

The only things that are really cool in my company are my salary and me.

Spotted on WeChat:

So heartbreaking to do laundry and realize you can’t wash the clothes you’re literally wearing right now… you will never have a completely fresh start.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Of course I intermittently fast. That’s when I sleep.

Long-term relationship? Like Tom and Jerry?

4 weeks ago

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Commentary:
Sounds like the perfect combination of love and cartoon chaos! 🐱💥🐭

animation, cartoon, classic, classic animation, comparison, funny comparison, hate, humor, jerry, long-term, long-term relationship, love, love and hate, relationship, relationship humor, tom, Tom and Jerry

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17 shares on Slack this month:

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.

78 shares on Snapchat this month:

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

90 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Delete a letter of his name from your contacts every time he makes you upset. When his name’s gone, he’s gone. Hangman that boy.

11 shares on Facebook this month:

The older I get, the more I appreciate people who pretend not to notice me when they see me out in public.

39 shares on Messenger this month:

There’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming an important person at your job.

78 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Using a remote to type on a keyboard on the TV is truly one of the worst human experiences that we endure.

76 shares on Reddit this month:

Men’s jeans have bigger pockets to help them carry all their audacity.

82 shares on Messenger this month:

“Unavailable” is my favorite state to be in.

14 shares on Slack this month:

I’m a little too self-aware to enjoy life, and a little too delusional to give up.

58 shares on TikTok this month:

My neighbor is having some kind of party and didn’t invite me. I guess I have to call the cops again.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

This meeting could have been an unread email.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has shared:

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has copied:

Babe, are you okay? You haven’t touched your dark humor all day.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

Call me a glitch, cause I’m definitely messing with your system.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

Sorry for being so cringey and awkward. It will definitely happen again.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has viewed:

Common sense isn’t a gift. It’s a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has bookmarked:

I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Telegram:

We need a slur for people that use AI.

Spotted on WeChat:

They should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience.

Just shared via Pinterest:

Being in your 20s is crazy because, why did you stay with someone you were that incompatible with for that long?

Just shared via X:

I had a million opportunities to waste money this year, and I took them all. In fact, even when there wasn’t an opportunity, I created one.

Breaking via Snapchat:

Really love how dancing alone in your room can literally save your life.

Just shared via Slack:

People say “go big or go home” like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah, I want to go home, and I’ll have a nap when I get there.

Freshly posted on X:

Silently hoping for a comet to strike, to get out of today’s responsibilities.

Just shared via Telegram:

She’s probably just not using her phone right now for the first time ever in her whole life.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Sex before marriage is a sin unless you do it doggy style, because all dogs go to heaven. Follow me for more biblical loopholes.

Seen just now on Slack:

Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.

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Long-term relationship? Like Tom and Jerry?

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Occupation: the ugly friend!

Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!

Times New Roman never did anything to anybody. It was a real trooper. Then society unceremoniously dethroned it.

Rental car companies seem so insanely helpless at their one job. You show up at the airport, reservation in hand, and they’re like, ‘Wait, really? You wanted a car? Sorry, you totally caught me off guard.’

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Long-term relationship? Like Tom and Jerry?

Keep the laugh going 😂

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Occupation: the ugly friend!

Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!

Times New Roman never did anything to anybody. It was a real trooper. Then society unceremoniously dethroned it.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Rental car companies seem so insanely helpless at their one job. You show up at the airport, reservation in hand, and they’re like, ‘Wait, really? You wanted a car? Sorry, you totally caught me off guard.’

Social Media Stars ⭐

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