Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

47 shares on Instagram this month:

Sex is cool but have you ever had a king size bed all to yourself.

91 shares on Messenger this month:

Shout out to the people getting $400 hotel rooms on Feb 14th to do the same two positions they do at home.

69 shares on Threads this month:

Yeah, I’ll get up soon, I just need to look at the internet first. Yes, the whole thing.

42 shares on Pinterest this month:

Why are conclusions necessary in essays? Were you not following?

90 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

16 shares on Reddit this month:

I love how my brain is like, “We’re not going to think about that,” and then thinks about only that.

70 shares on Threads this month:

Never lie to Indian girls. That red dot be recording everything.

20 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

54 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

71 shares on Pinterest this month:

The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off.