Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

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Being awake is the worst.

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In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

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I don’t have red flags, I have fun facts.

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You think you’ve seen gold diggers, until you see a male friend group where only one of them made it.

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You are the wind beneath my overly sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

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The advantage of being an identical twin: you only need one gym contract.

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I suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes it look like you’re an angry serial killer.

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Did you know 17 muscles are activated when you’re crying? Fitness is my passion.

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There are always new uncomplimentary angles to view yourself from. Keep contorting!

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Silicon Valley has taken over the world. Remember when nerds had the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?