My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.

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When you thought something would be easy peasy lemon squeezy, but it’s actually been stressy, depressy, lemon zesty.

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I want a chiropractor to crack my entire body like a glow stick.

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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

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Guy who normally applauds when the plane lands right before the pilot crashes it: “Boo!”

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The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

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I know some people don’t like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

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I suffer from awesomnia.

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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel.

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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have a favorite vegetable peeler.