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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

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If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

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If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

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On one hand, itโ€™s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, itโ€™s terrible to have access to the Internet.

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Told someone Iโ€™m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” and they blocked me immediately.

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Sexting is hilarious, when you think about it. Like, this email truly should’ve been a meeting.

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I would like to opt out of WW3, por favor.

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โ€œGreyโ€™s Anatomyโ€ but itโ€™s told entirely through the lens of the hospitalโ€™s HR department.

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Whoever coined, โ€œNo good deed goes unpunishedโ€, must have fed some seagulls.

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When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions.

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My birth year getting a lil too far on those lil scroll lists. I donโ€™t like that.

My birth year getting a lil too far on those lil scroll lists. I donโ€™t like that.

Commentary:
"When did my birth year graduate from the kiddie pool to the deep end of the scroll list? ๐Ÿšผโžก๏ธ๐Ÿ“œ๐Ÿ˜…"



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