My dad must pay my monthly cell phone bill as atonement for his original sin of creating my consciousness.

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I only drink when I people.

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Mike is short for Micycle.

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One of my greatest strengths is appearing busy so people don’t try to speak to me.

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Why the hell is it called the restroom? I am fighting for my life in here.

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I’m really looking forward to eight hours of thinking about sleep tonight.

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The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

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Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

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Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

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Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house.

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Touch my butt, not my coffee.