My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has viewed:

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has downloaded:

My entire life changed once I found out that a crush is just a lack of information.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has copied:

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name… is so they know when they’re really in trouble.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has downloaded:

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has shared:

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from a movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

Is the elephant in the room with us right now?

Someone from 🇱🇧 has shared:

You know how a dog tilts his head and looks confused when he hears a strange sound? Yeah, that’s how I feel when some people are talking.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

It’s actually quite simple: I don’t want to eat less, I just want to weigh less.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has bookmarked:

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp, but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has downloaded:

You’re supposed to store a treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.