My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

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Some people are like wallpaper… same pattern repeating every time.

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If you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play.

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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

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Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

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Kinda rude that your reward for struggling through stuff is still dying at the end anyway.

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Oh great, you brought your ancient ancestors with you.

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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.