Not to brag, but no one has ever accused me of trying too hard.

42 shares on Snapchat this month:

Ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalized bowling ball.

41 shares on Messenger this month:

Apologies for the late response, instead of spending three minutes answering your email, I ignored it and felt anxious for two weeks.

29 shares on TikTok this month:

What if all the ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa?

85 shares on Discord this month:

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

55 shares on Slack this month:

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

38 shares on Pinterest this month:

Contrary to what we currently believe, we don’t choose afternoon naps. Afternoon naps choose us.

88 shares on Pinterest this month:

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

13 shares on Discord this month:

Do you ever hang out with someone else’s family, and you’re like, ooooh, so this is what it’s supposed to be like?

58 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m starting to think that the secret to having a happy life is avoiding people.

82 shares on Twitch this month:

In my defense, they burned my grilled cheese sandwich.