One day you’re 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you’re 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.

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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought seven Police Academy movies were a good idea.

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Despite all my rage, I still keep refreshing the page.

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I’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard.

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Rescuing a cute dog and teaching it how to drive me home from the pub.

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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon.

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Sorry, I ghosted you. I just felt like you were gonna ghost me, so I did it first.

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To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.

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If you steal enough FitBits, they’ll just give you one for your ankle.

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I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.

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The cool side of the pillow just stole my boyfriend.