You could waterboard pretty much any embarrassing information out of me. I’m very waterboardable. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Haven’t seen a single bikini photoshoot in the snow this year; the girls are tired. Posted onMay 29, 2026
They should invent a Twitter where the timeline doesn’t refresh against your will. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Anime characters are always like “But you didn’t know about my eye,” and then they activate their mode. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I want time to watch more films, but I also want time to read more books, but I also want time to look at more nothing. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You’d think, with the amount of overthinking I do, I’d make the right decision. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You can’t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on social media every day. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Whole crypto scheme is built on people too dumb for crypto that aren’t self-aware enough to realize it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If you ever wanted to know anything about me, just get me a bottle of wine, and you will, in fact, find out in about 10 minutes. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The older I get, the more I realize being in a hurry is a terrible way to live your life. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If your coffee shop has a passive-aggressive ‘no Wi-Fi, pretend it’s the old days’ sign, I’m gonna smoke in there and pay 50 cents for coffee. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You ever wake up from your dreams impressed? Like, damn, that narrative structure was phenomenal. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I skip questions on exams like I’m gonna be a different person when I come back to them. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
Before you send that email, ask yourself: is this a December problem or a January problem? Posted onMay 29, 2026
I bet there’s a couple of seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible. Posted onMay 29, 2026
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I bring a sort of “this isn’t actually urgent” vibe to the workplace that managers don’t like. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Microsoft: Before you sign in, we need to send you a code. Also, Microsoft: OMG, was that you that requested a code? Also, Microsoft: OMG, someone just signed in to your account. Posted onMay 29, 2026