You ever notice how fans of the worst music always focus on the meanings of the songs instead of the actual music? Posted onMay 29, 2026
I am sick and tired of going to the bathroom. It’s been forty years. It should all be out by now. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Turns out, college is all about forming unspoken, powerful bonds with people you talk to twice. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Rudolph’s bright red nose would not have done anything to improve Santa’s visibility in dense fog. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The best part about NYC is you literally see a brand new, hottest woman in your entire life every single day. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Wild Friday night, and by wild, I mean me and the other psychopaths at the gym. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The fact Head and Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called Knees and Toes, is disappointing. Posted onMay 29, 2026
There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before sleeping. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My skin has so much oil, I’m surprised countries aren’t fighting over who controls it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I walk into a girl’s house and she got like 50 plants, I know she’s a keeper because she already takes care of a bunch of useless things. What’s one more? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Is it just my dad, or do all fathers watch videos on their phones with the volume full blast, with no concern for anyone else in the house? Posted onMay 29, 2026
If consuming too much caffeine causes short-term memory loss, just imagine what consuming too much caffeine can do. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want. And yet, here I am just doing laundry, eating salads, taking antidepressants, flossing my teeth, and going on little walks. Like an IDIOT. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick one person you hate, and blame them for everything. Posted onMay 29, 2026
There should be a “Take Your Friend to Work Day,” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
“Full-time” should be 20 hours max, man. This is ridiculous. I’ve got other stuff to do. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I feel like this holiday season, it’s important to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they agree to pay their employees more. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The modern condition is mostly trying to do things on your own that people have historically achieved with a large support network, and wondering why you’re tired all the time. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top 5 times you almost died. Posted onMay 29, 2026
So I just checked my bank account, and it looks like for Christmas I am getting everyone the thought that counts. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The problem with relationships these days is you don’t know if you’re the one being cheated on, or cheated with. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Jacket I left on a chair that sometimes looks like a person at night stuns in new evening nightmare. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sorry, babe, can’t right now. The group chat is active, and I’m trying to get my joke in before they change topics. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You don’t see guys traveling around on those seesaw-type push carts on railroad tracks anymore. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Let the kids believe in Santa. I believed the Undertaker and Kane were brothers. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s cool how seeing a less flattering photo of an attractive friend does not change my perception of them at all, but seeing one of myself makes me want to jump off a bridge. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In your 20s, you will be tempted to prove that you’re doing well. It’s important you resist performing for an audience that isn’t watching. Posted onMay 29, 2026